objet trouvé

Conversations With Silence

27.9.01

Conversations With Silence: I haven't had a real (re: meaningful) conversation with anyone (much less a friend) since about Thursday I think. I end up trying to answer my own questions, to which I lack anything substantial to say, except the same things over and over again. I talk to my parents about every other day since my dad is out of work and is coming over to my apartment to use the computer in his job search (almost half-hearted I'd say), but those conversations deal with everyday stuff like "what did you do today?" or "how do you work this stupid thing?" or something like that. I don't really talk much with those on my soccer team or when we have family day (family day=playing soccer on Sunday afternoon with a couple of guys from my team, their kids and their friends and kids). I mean, I talk to the kids, and once in awhile chat up the other adults there (all of which are older than me). The kids used to think I was much younger than I am. I actually had to produce ID to show them I was indeed the age I am. And most of my friends live far away from me (in other countries). And where I live, I've been in this apartment since March and I know the name of one person, and I'm positive that none of them know mine (though some can recognize my face, I think), including the one person whose name I know. And with emails, I don't get much of those either, and that bothers me. I started playing soccer again because I wanted to have people to hang out with once in awhile and at the same time perhaps make a few friends. I think I've made some friends through soccer, but because they have families, it's weird. I don't feel like if I invited any of them over that they'd be able to come over because of their commitments. I don't blame them or anything; it just would be nice to have some friends over sometime. It would be nicer to have a female to lay on the couch with and just hang out. In the meantime, I have conversations with silence.

In Her Eyes

In Her Eyes: I heard from P. again via email today. Evidently my emails haven't been reaching Germany, or even just around the proverbial corner for that matter. She says she hasn't gotten any of my emails I've sent out since before Sept. 10. She says she's really missing me and wants to talk with me. She tried to call me on Monday (my day off from work) but I wasn't home at the time. I was likely getting my car from the dealer after it finally fixed my radio that got screwed up when the dealer put my new battery in. Anyway, I found her phone numbers for her house and her cell, so I'm going to try and call later today after some sleep of course. I can still see her gaze into my eyes when she stood above me until I woke up when I was at her house in Germany, and the glow in her face in the well-worn photograph I have of her from November 2000. ... In other news today I talked to my second-cousin when she called this evening, just to say hello, and to my mother, who was tired and rambling incoherently about what was going on with the neighbors and with my father's job search. Evidently, there is hope for him in that area. So far the search has been fruitless. By the way, I'm happy to have a working radio in my car. Now I don't drive myself insane, literally, on my hour-plus commute everyday (one-way). I don't have to play DJ. I mean, think about it. I play talk-show host, weatherman, traffic reporter, DJ, news reporter. I cover pretty much all the bases there. Why would I ever need a radio? Let's just say I'm thankful it's back in working order now.

The First Entries, September 2001

24.9.01

Silence: Another Saturday night I spend alone. That's nothing really new. Why, might I ask? Well, most of my friends are married or out of town, and I'm a single guy who doesn't drink, so bars usually don't do it for me. So I lay here typing this and thinking about women I used to be with, and one I haven't heard from that I have no idea of what she is thinking, because she doesn't communicate her feelings too well. Isn't the stereotype the opposite though? I was always told it was the man who had a hard time saying what he felt, as it wasn't (and for many still isn't) macho to do so.

But in relationships I've had, including this one, I'm the one who's somehow figured out how to say how I felt, and the woman couldn't respond. I consider myself to be a shy sort of person too, so I find the fact I can blurt out an "I love you" or an "I miss you" yet can't receive the same, even if she does love me or miss me. This one woman I'm wondering about currently lives in Germany, and we met about 3 years back when she was an au pair in the United States. We chatted each other up online, first by email, then by instant messaging, and formed a pretty close bond for that type of relationship. She then asked to meet me before she went back to Germany, and I hesitated, but finally agreed to it, and things went quite well, especially on the last day I saw her in D.C. before she had to leave.

Then last November I got to see her again in Germany and things went a lot better for us, though I did get a bit of nerves, combined with a lack of food, and it added up to a severe case of jet lag (Three Words: 'What I need are three words from you....I'm waiting for the warmth of your caress.'). I had to get that in because it's on my CD right now and it reminds me of her. But I have this picture of her that I took where I can see the look in her eyes and her face that practically screams the words "I love you." At least to me it does. I can close my eyes and see her face in that image. And I can close my eyes and see the look she gave me as I woke up in the morning. And I can imagine other things from our time together, of course. And I treasure all those memories. But I wonder if that's all it'll ever be. ...

22.9.01

The World Outside Our Windows: Do we care at all about the world now? If you had relied in the past on your local newspaper or the major networks' nightly newscasts for world news, you'd be getting next to nothing, and even less when it comes to Africa. Why? They might argue people don't buy newspapers or watch newscasts that are heavy in international news. But regardless of whether you think you need to know what is going on in the Congo, or Afghanistan, or England, or Sydney, or Johannesburg, or Ottawa, or Mexico City, or Moscow, or Beijing, or--you get my point--we can't afford to ignore what is going on outside our local communities.

Where I live, I'm fortunate enough to get a public broadcasting channel that gives foreign broadcasts that gives me news from France, Spain, Germany, England and elsewhere. The news from France, I can get in English subtitles. For the German perspective, I get DW TV news in English, though that same channel also broadcasts it in German. But from morning until night, local newscasts from all over the world are shown. This can be seen without benefit of a cable or satellite package, though a clear reception obviously helps. I also can receive BBC America, where I can get BBC World News piped into my TV several times a day. Just watch any one of these shows--preferably BBC World News--and then watch a typical episode of NBC Nightly News, ABC World News Tonight or the CBS Evening News, and tell me what you find of international news--before the terrorist attacks of course. Now CNN does have an international hour, and on the weekends, it broadcasts a show where it shows local TV from throughout the world edited into an hour program giving a broad perspective.

Why do I care about the world outside my window, so to speak? Well, for starters, my mother is from Spain, and she still longs to read about things from her native country. And I long to understand the culture in which she was raised. She grew up on far less freedom than we have now. I, as are the rest of us, am spoiled by it. Another reason I care is that I have friends in Germany and the Netherlands, and those countries have unique perspectives on the news. And I care because some places--continents--get neglected (e.g. Africa), that we need as a culture to understand more about, instead of simply dismissing it as too difficult to get to, or too hard to report news from, or whatever inexcusable reason is given for neglecting coverage. I care because I want pespective on world affairs that I think is lacking. I care because most of what we buy comes from other countries. I care because I don't want to be ignorant.

News bureaus might argue that they don't have enough money to go to all the remote places around the globe. But I say that there are ways to bring the perspectives from around the globe without necessarily being there. We need to "discover" a sense of place. How many of us, even now, know the type of terrain in Afghanistan, or what life is like for its citizens? Do we know why Pakistan and India aren't big fans of each other? Reciprocal arrangements can be made with local news bureaus, whether it be print, radio or television. The internet clearly surpasses all of those choices, but still, the other mediums need to get better, and in a hurry.

I believe that with such a multicultural society as the United States', we need international news, whether it's a ratings winner or not. International stories in the past got ignored for various reasons--none of them valid to me. No valid reason exists to skimp on international news. These prime time newsmagazines are always heavy on human interest stories. Why can't one of them be focused on international news? Why can't more international news get into the nightly network newscasts. Not enough time? Expand to an hour and get rid of Entertainment Tonight. And another thing, Time, Newsweek and U.S. News & World Report aren't exempt from criticism also. They also need to do more, as do newspapers, TV and radio. Very few sources from within the United States are even close to adequate. And certainly, none are exceptional. Until then, keep digging for the international perspective.

I Want Eyes: Some relevant lyrics from my all-time favorite band, Level 42. I got into them late into the band's run, but now have most of their music. I'll probably write regularly about songs that move me, and Level 42's lyrics, to me, are strong, often poignant and meaningful, and I can relate to a lot of them well, so, without further ado:

I Want Eyes
(King/P. Gould)

it's late I know but I can't sleep
peace of mind is hard to keep
I saw it on the news today
a thousand lives just blown away

I want eyes
I want eyes

another page in history
but the why is still a mystery
won't you come so we can talk this through
do you need me now like I need you

I want eyes
I want eyes

on the beach lies a boy
thrown away like a toy
in the field lies a man
left behind, he was calling, calling
no one saw him die

sitting there you're telling me
that everything is meant to be
but when I say I can't go on
I know I'm not the only one
I just can't live on planet hope
and watch the world go up in smoke
I don't know how to face the facts
when I see a child respond to impact

I want eyes
I want eyes
I want eyes
I want eyes

so I wake every night
with the same dream in mind
in a field there's a man
left behind, he was calling, calling
no one saw me cry

21.9.01

The Opening: I'm just setting this up now, to give myself the opportunity to sort out the many warped confused feelings that go on inside me. I'll give a more detailed purpose when I'm more coherent--meaning, when I've had a little sleep.