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Sometimes I Speak Just To Hear My Own Voice

The title's true.

I got good at doing things on my own as a kid, and carry that on in conversations with myself now.

As a kid, I was the one who taught myself how to throw, catch and kick a football, to hit a baseball, shoot a basketball, etc. When your dad's off at sea or away from home a lot, that's what happens. I don't have any particular bad memories about that. My dad spent a lot of time around us when he was home. He found money to buy me sports magazines and took us on trips, but I don't have any strong memories of him being around a lot growing up.

Funny thing is now I talk to my parents more than I was living with them. They initiate it most of the time, though I'll call to check in occasionally too. It's not deep conversation, for the most part, though my mom will give me the scoop on the latest family happenings. I have the feeling I'll talk to my boss more now that we're not in our offices anymore, and to some extent, that communication will be necessary to run a business effectively.

Outside of them and the younger of my two older sisters, those are the people I talk to most, unless you count the seemingly-infinite conversations I've had with my 2nd cousin Cassie online.

So sometimes I have to think out loud to hear my own voice talking about what I think of various things. In other words, working my own thoughts out in a similar way to how I practiced kicking a football as a kid. Repeating the process over and over again until I kick the football the way I like; repeating myself until I can form coherent thoughts.

I haven't had a good, stimulating conversation in quite awhile. I'm not sure how I'd do having one.

It makes me wonder if all of my adult conversations will amount to small talk, and whether a lot of small talk can add up to something more substantial.

Makes me wonder if I'm just small talk in a big world (someone whose voice can't be heard through the noise-clutter), and whether I'll add up to someone more substantial.

Soccer Pics

Here's the photoblog of soccer pictures I took last weekend. It's not yet complete as it's a slow task at the moment, but why delay?

I Remembered What I Forgot To Forget

I was going through some boxes of stuff the other day trying to find some of my old pictures, and I came across old memories, and I'm not sure what to do with them.

They're bittersweet in a lot of ways.

I've moved on from them, and the feelings I had at that time, but it still is a bit strange to come across those things that remind me of these certain periods of my life.

It's futile, I guess, to ask why we can't just remember things the way we want them to be, or to remember only the things we want to, while wiping out the rest of our memory.

Personally, my own memory of specifics are weak in certain areas. I usually remember the emotions of the time, rather than specific events, so in a lot of ways, that's why I write as much as I do, to try and remember.

I do think about past events (and people) from time to time. When you have as much time to yourself as I do, you get a lot of thoughts flooding the mind. And my brain has many more channels than any TV or sattelite system could possibly hold, and it can change channels in lightning speed, or it can linger while the remote is broken.

I'm just not sure what to do with the memories. I don't live in the past. Mostly it stays in a closet, but when I have to go digging for something, inevitably I'll stumble upon a memory, and think about it. Sometimes it's easier for me to linger on a specific memory, and other times I can't change the channel fast enough.

I need to create new memories, especially personally. Past, present, future. Where to begin?

Thanksgiving

First of all, I wish a belated happy Thanksgiving to the few of you who read this. I appreciate those of you who have read silently and those who have communicated with me in one way or another. I am thankful for that.

I keep thinking on all these car rides I've been taking--and continue to take--how it'd be nice to have someone sitting next to me once in awhile. I'd love to share the music with someone,to share the conversation, to share the scenery, to share even in the silence.

But I am thankful for what I do have in my life--God, family, a job, the opportunity to work from home. I'd say friends, but mine are more acquaintances than anything else at this point. I am thankful for them nonetheless. I have much more than I could ever deserve. ...

We gathered at my oldest sister's house in Luray. She put out quite a feast, and even made stuffing just for me. My sister also invited, besides family, a woman who works with her (and her husband). The woman mentioned at least three times that I was "smart."

My sisters continued with their romance book exchange club they have. My mom is a more limited partner in the engagement. I saw my brother-in-law (husband of my other sister) turn into a fall-down drunk by the end of the night. Other than that, I spent the afternoon listening to other people's conversations, watching some football, hanging out with my nephew and telling some Harry Potter stories.

(While I'm listening to her, I've got to say I love Allison Krauss when she sings ballads.)

My mom told some stories of me as a child--like the time I voiced loudly that I'd eat cereal for dinner at a restaurant because it was 35 cents--the cheapest thing on the menu. I reminded her that I also read "Minneapolis" off a road sign when I was 2 (she told me that one and my sisters both seem to remember that as well). I also used to sit on the lap of my mom's favorite grocery store clerk when she'd go shopping. When she was slow, I got to ring up some of the items, and when I was around with my mom in the store, I'd point out the bargains to be had in the store. I wasn't shy about doing so, from what I was told.

I started to watch Lilo and Stitch with my nephew in my lap before I left, but since I have to drive to work tomorrow to meet the movers, I left while everyone else stayed the night up there.

Praise

I know the praise of one article has been unanimous, which must make it seem like an old-style Communist election in which the dictator received 100 percent of the vote--a convincing scam in those times. These comments, though, are real, not by me, and not by anyone I paid off.  It's the most feedback, positive or otherwise, that I've received for any article.

Feedback

I know I've talked about getting feedback from my soccer articles, to know that someone is reading them and getting something out of them, and I've got it.  I wrote two articles over the weekend from my trips to Salisbury, and the one I linked to is where I received the comments. They've made my day.

Just The Fax

The spare room in my apartment will slowly be transformed into my working space. I just hooked up the fax machine my boss donated today, so that's functioning.

I already have a desk and computer in there, and I have two more computers I'll get to take home from the office. I won't need both of them since I already have a desktop and laptop already here, so I'll probably help my dad out with the trouble he's been having with his. I'm not sure what we have in the office will help him, but he may be able to use one of the monitors, because his isn't that good.

Back to the office, I have a scanner and printer in play, and I'll be able to take home bunches of three-holed paper to use. I need to clean that spare bedroom as well, since, of late, it's been a gathering place for stuff unwanted by the other rooms of my apartment.

I need to work on establishing a routine so that way I don't fall into a rut, as I'm sure I've mentioned before. I'm going to use the month of December to refine my home work schedule, but one thing I'm going to plan is out-of-office time during the week, whether it's just running an errand, working out or doing some volunteer work at an elementary school (which was a suggestion someone offered me that I think I'm going to pursue).

Now, though, it's back to work, because I am working from home today.

A Sporting Look

This is just one of many photographs I took over the weekend--all in Salisbury. I took this one Saturday afternoon during Salisbury's game against Johns Hopkins. I don't consider myself that great of a sports photographer. I love photography, but sports photography is a difficult endeavor at best, I think, and I while I think I did okay with the zoom lens attached to my Digital Rebel, it's never as good as I'd like the photographs to be. The best photographs, I believe, will always remain in the heart.

Rounding Home

During my drive, I thought some more about the kind of house I want, and I have some thoughts about it, but I concluded that I want a small, round house with a basement and a high roof that you can lay down, look up and see the stars at night.

I thought this because for one, it'd be unique. Not too many houses are round, or oval even, in shape, like the one I saw off Rt. 50. I'd have it with a spirial staircase to a basement that would be the unlit area of the house. That would be where I'd have the entertainment and office portion of the house, with a bookcase going three-quarters around the oval. The other part would house the plasma TV, sattelite/shortwave radio, I-Pod, DVD. And I'd have a desk that would contour with the wall. My computer would be there, but it'd also be able to hook into the TV for large-scale viewing. There'd also be a hideaway feature so that none of that entertainment/desk stuff would be visible. The couch would be comfortable and cozy. I'm flexible on the exact specifications on that.

All throughout the place would be my own photographs hanging, and if not that, then a mural perhaps, or different colors on the walls than ordinarly found in houses. Probably just more bold. Purple perhaps. An ocean blue-type color.

My sleeping area would be in the loft, which I'd be able to climb to, or, for when I get too tired or old, have a lift to escort me up.

Like I said, I'd have to have a sunroof. I'm not sure if I'd make it retractable yet. I think I'd try. The main thing would be to see out of it, and have a way to cover it to make it like a normal ceiling for those stormy, threatening nights. A fireplace near a spa would also be in the place. And, to move large items in the place, I'd have a sliding door in the back that would match the exterior--so no one could immediately tell--that'd be big enough to bring in the biggest of furniture. The main level would have an open kitchen, bathroom, and also an open living room space with a smaller entertainment center, though it'd be wired with wi-fi access throughout the place, and the music/TV could be programmed to be heard all over the house, or only in certain parts of it (and programmable from anywhere in the place.

The bathroom would have to have at least a mini-spa. I realize I'm not working with a huge space, but in my mind's world, all this fits rather comfortably. I'd need a comfortable recliner upstairs and in the entertainment center (maybe a few extra large comfortable stadium-type seats for relaxing viewing. Also some foldout sofa beds for when company comes.

I'd like a waterbed, though I'm not sure about how that would work in the loft. I'd like it from the standpoint that I could imagine myself on a starry night riding a relaxing wave.

I'd like for this to be away from most civilization, in the sense that I don't want to be within binocular-distance of any neighbor. I want enough land and area to be able to breathe without many unnatural distractions. And oh yeah, I'd like the jacuzzi that could be indoor/outdoor retractable

While I'd prefer the location of this to be near the beach (or a body of water), I can adapt this plan for most anywhere. There could be other elements involved here, but I'll leave it at that for now.

In any case, I don't think I want a 4-bedroom, triple-level monster-sized house. I could do with a one-level house (maybe with a basement) that's around the size of my apartment (1250 sq. ft.) or slightly larger, not in any subdivision, and with some land in between so I have some yard.

On Their Knees

I got to see quite a bit out of the window of my car--and on the soccer field--this weekend.

Fog over the Chesapeake Bay.

A house-based business with the entire exterior looking like a Halloween mural.

Celebration (and dejection) on the soccer field.

Fallen leaves.

I even got to think a lot (yes I know, what's new there?), and a lot of what I thought was how sore I was from squatting while photographing the soccer games and just sitting in my car.

What I'll most remember, though, I saw on my way back from Salisbury on Rt. 50 this afternoon. I captured it in my mind.

I saw two women kneeling at a small gravesite off the side of the road, with a small girl standing between them.